Something that is really hard to go through by me

*credit tumblr

dergh!. i think semua org pernah mengalami pengalaman pahit mcm ni. lol...stress eh? but, i miss that feeling. when we are feeling depressed after studying so hard. then something so silly like this, greatly silly happen. sure rasa nak koyak paper. lol...but at the end of the day, i, miss that feeling.  so much? not to much. 

eh, you're bluffin' del. *t'lebih makan mee. *too much of pepsi twist...lek del. lek..lol...

ok. merapu tahap dewa. ergh. k, today i'm going to talk about my personal life. the thing, some. which are making me feeling in-between, or should i say, sometime "depress". i'd never thought that i would be making such great and big decisions at my age. well, i'm hatch-ling, i meant kid. i'm still not good in making decisions. not just yet. it's my life. i'm only 18, to decide my part of life. it isn't about something easy. if it is easy, i'm not going to bluff it here anyway. not about to choose the part, faculty, and etc...in college, or even university. it's different. totally.

ergh!. the story started when we attended my uncle's wedding last December. there, he also came. as one of the important guess of the day. i guess i missed him too, unintentionally. don't misunderstand me. nothing fishy here. when i was still a cute, small, kid. i, once had said that i, "want to be a father". for the unbeliever of Christ. but i think you know what i meant, not ordinary bapa org. k? understood? so if you're not interested, just move your cursor to the "X" sign. back to the story. i said  that i want to be a father. then, my parents unintentionally or maybe publish what i said to the whole world! omg. but these 5 years, i had never thought and remembered about it. i'd totally forgotten about it. really, am. i joined the altar server. or also call as the Guild of Saint Stephen. a guild which are serving the church together with the priest. but, without any payment. humble, holy deeds. i was really am into it back then. serve with my whole heart as i remembered. i was just like my character back then. when people saw me, they will be saying, "oh, how's thing at church?". then i'll be answering about it nicely with my nice behaviour. oh what a greeeeat experience. to compare the thing with today. it is totally like the world are rolling upside down. well, i changed a lot in these 5 years. 

when, i went to study to a boarding school in 2007. to attend sms labuan. a school which are still on its way to achieve its missions and visions. when i stepped my feet on this school. i had made my mind, "i hope that i don't change much here.". well, academic was my priority. why do i have to go to a far away land just to be studying with the ordinaries. and so, i'd made a big decisions. to study there. i had left my piano lessons, my friends, my serving at church. i'm actually quite artistic back then. i draw, play piano. like music, like photography too.. i was quite the type that want this and that. but the most thing is to keep my good deeds. 

but then, when i'm there. sometime i didn't went to mass on sunday. not often but when i was busy with reasonable reasons. my faith fades away like running water. but, i kept myself as it is. i really missed my serving. whenever i went back to my hometown, i served. i like the feeling. i was pretty close with fr mike. at that time. he is very nice. i miss his homilies. he was the type of priest that all would always like and respect. very thoughtful. he even went to visit me there. but, he was unable to meet me, it was weekday. so, no visitor was allowed. unless, it was emergency. he bought me a bar of chocolate, which were all melt down due to the hot sunny climate of labuan island of the pearl, victoria island. when, i had my riadah petang, the pakcik guard met me and gave me, saying "bapa kau bagi ni tadi". i made stupid face.?huh? so, that night i phoned my pa and he told me that it was fr. mike. goosebumps. speechless. 

then in my 2nd year being there. i started to be not the type who serve at church. why? i had no friends there. new people, new regulation, new priest in charge. so, i met him. i said, "i'm studying abroad. i only serve when i'm around. can i?". well, i was because he made the law, "must serve always, no absent more than 3 week.". speechless. he didn't even hear my reasons. such thoughtlessness one. but i knew that the action that i chose that time was wrong. if only i could turn back the time. i really am regretting this. i get mad myself and i hated him so much that even after that i really thought that i was totally filthy to even step on the century of the church. i felt that i was so bad. i hate people. i hate myself for being over emotional. such a fool i was. my mom and pa, went to clear all the thing to him, the new priest. he, maybe asked fr. mike. and when he knew me, he layan me so great. but i felt that his first impression was to bad to me, it killed my inner self badly. his first impression of me was that i'm a nuisance. he said, "kalau tidak bole serve, tidak payah laa". i was so sad at the moment. seriously, i had never hate people so much as i hat him. no matter how bad other were to me, my friends, cousins, siblings, i just don't take it seriously. but his act totally pissed me off. really did. that's the reason why i didn't serve anymore. even, if i had forgive him. i would never be able to forget it. could you? please tell me if you could. share with me how.

back to the story. fr. john came to my uncle's wedding. as the priest in charge to wed them together. when our eyes met for the first time that day. nothing happened. i'm not use to him. well, it had been 8 years. so long. i used to cuddle and hugged by him back then, as i was small, innocent. lol...bluffin'. he also didn't react. funny isn't? i brought in hamper for the give bearer. again he didn't made any reaction. so i thought, "he didn't remember me anymore i guess". i felt awkward. but then he finally met me at the end of the lunch. he told me that he didn't recognize me anymore. wow, you had grown since the last time we met. blahblahblah...then he asked me...

j:how is your studies? how about spm?

me: just fine. well, i'm not expecting too much. just simply ok.

j: erm...have you ever think of being a father? 

me : (speechless for a moment or two...)

me: i don't know. i had never thought of it.

j : (he opened his eyes wide and)

j: oh no...(frustrated) i was hoping that you'll be saying, "i'm thinking about it" or "just wait". 

me: i'm so sorry.

j: you know, (his face toward the floor) i have been praying for you since you're small and even till now. and i was looking forward of you becoming a father. but if this is the case. eer..

me: (speechless and smile as i always did, a full-package idiot.)

then he went back. left me with my mind kept on thinking what to do. he made me felt full of remorse and dilemmas. my head, my mind, my brain was seriously injured. till now. i had been thinking. what to do. do i have to do that. do i have to do this. to chose between the carrier of different world. so hard to chose. what will you choose if you're in my place? God. let it be according to your will. well, i believe that you have your plans for me. no matter what it is. i really don't know what to do.   

i'm feeling as if i'm the only one who think so great, heavy thinking everyday. if i share these with my sis. she'll most probably cried to the fullest, laughing at their brotha's stupidity. they love to say that i'm idiot. especially rev. i really like these people. saying that i'm weird. congratulation for making my life horrible here. thanks. love you. keep it up okay. i'm looking forward for it. 

then~

bosous. XOXO 

what to do? imma cool alone, and they don't understand it too. even if i tell.