l'esprit de l'escalier

l'esprit de l'escalier. it is the feeling that you get when you leave a conversation and think of all the things you should have said. i'm thinking of changing my blog's name into this. well, obviously this is what my blog about.

yesterday, i attended the mass with my family, though unfortunately the priest was not around and so you know what would happened. straight to the point, i'm really not good with words. really. i'd been stalking, searching and using all my might to find her phone number, fb, etc..but yeah to no avail. i'm not a good stalker btw. then, on this great day, i met her at church. stupid me indeed, i didn't brought my phone along and i felt horrible. i wanna ask her number.......and i cried like awkward pumpkin alone, inside my heart. i want to ask her and planning to write the number on a paper, but then, my head din't move neither did my body to turn myself toward facing her. stupid me. maybe it is because of my pride? or am i a shy guy? i think the second one is the cause. then, when we were going back, again, i didn't even turn myself, even to greet her. i really don't understand myself. she is one of my best friends. she was. my childhood friend as we were classmates since kindergarten until year six. we went apart when we entered secondary school. and so, i'm the fool one. i don't get it. really. why have i done that. i feel really horrible. so, despite all my hard work, till now, i still can't contact her. i felt really awkward when i meet her.though she is my best friend back then. well time change, people too. 

okay, as i woke up this morning, i realized that my schedule really did changed way too much after these while. every morning i will wake up so early as 5am, to boil the water and etc... it is just after much consideration that i had made my decision to do so. i apparently don't want my elders to be so troublesome as i know that they are really exhausted. my grandma's hand is a lil bit not in the right condition as the sinovial fluid at the joints are reducing and not as they were before. you know what i meant. she is suffering a great pain. she can't straighten her hand and etc. so, im trying to be good and hardworking. i also do the house chores. but the most important thing is just that i'm willing and no one ask me to do them. i'm not showing off. 

then, today i'd made a huge decision. as i combed my hair this morning i was thinking, "okay i'll cut it.". after much determination in went to the barber and had my hair done. after a minutes, voila! brand new hair. hoho seems like my cheek were getting plumpy. as those thick long hair stayed on my head, they made me feel that my face is long and now i feel like awkward pumpkin. hahahaha...kidding. yeah i had my hair cut today and i'm both happy and feel regret about it. well, i planted and fertilized my forest of hair on my head for few months and that was the longest as i had been living. i'd never kept my hair that long. but the sad thing is that i didn't even take A PICTURE of myself. and so, i have no evidence of me keeping my hair long. GREAT! stupid me. really. well, obviously, i was not so concious maybe. as i walked to the saloon to get a hair cut. hahaha...but i regret it. =.='. be optimist deil! hahaha...okay i admit that i didn't look that nice with long hair. so i think it is a good decision after all. flora said, "it look bad!". hahaha so, chill la. malas nak fikir sgt fsl rambut ne. tak penting. not worth worrying. 

before i forget, i bought some film for my old camera today. well, i miss using it and i am planning to take some pictures and play around. though i know that the picture will not be that great. just for fun. but the problem is, is there any shop who will develop the pictures for me? hahaha i wonder. i'd searched so hard today for the film and fortunately, really, i found it. in an old shop. none were seen on the camera shop. hahaha...k, then~

so, think wise. ^^