What IF.

when we are well and healthy, we never thought that we will be sick or ill. we only think about being happy, chattering, laughing, and etc.. we are not aware for most of the time. to those who always realize it, that's great. as is said before, i'm not healthy. with those pus in my face. but now that i remember who i used to be. of course after all this pain i remember it, suddenly. when i was young, since kindergarten and primary school. i am the nerdiest person in the world. with long sleeve and i don't play much. i never joint the school sport day until i am eleven. i am so weak. easily getting bruise everywhere in my body. but not that i am not interested in playing and joining the others, but it is just that, i can't. i am not healthy. not fit enough. easily getting flu and fever. allergic to grass, which it cause my body to have scabies. asthma. so how am i suppose to just go out and say, "hey can i play with you guys??". with body that is so weak. 

but when i enter secondary school, i'd tried my best in everything i do. despite all the difficulties that i'm having. tho no one ever understand it. they criticize and judge me. "inactive" and etc.. especially the teachers. but i never take it as something so serious. i never get mad or sad with it because i know that "they don't know what they are doing. they never experience what i'm enduring." so i just let them go. willingly. it is a pain really. just they never know. but i'm proud with myself. despite all the comments they have on me, i even present the school in hockey. for the person i am, i'm so happy with this achievement. really.

you may say i'm so full with myself. but still, i will say this. what if i die now? this swollen face with pus, if the bacteria is able to enter the brain, it may cause brain damage. how will it affects my life, my family, community, etc.. when i feel the pain, i know that people may die now. when God calls us, that will be the time. and it is anytime. i went to the dentist this morning and i was so sad to know that i couldn't take the teeth out.  the dentist injected me for 4 times. imagine the pain but still, i could feel the teeth. they were not working because of the presence of pus inside. so she gave me new dose of antibiotic, a better one she said to kill bacteria. but what makes me scared the most is that, "what if i can't make it to uni?". will they let me in if i am late?" because i'm scared that this illness is not getting better quickly. i can't board the flight and joining the orientation week in uni. what will happen then? what will happen to me? i need support now. but i can't see any. keep on telling myself that i will going to be just fine tho it never look like such. swollen face. nausea. what if the uni don't accept unhealthy student? what if? no one is with me now.

urmm.. mdm gurey just gave birth  last night but i'm not sure how many kittens does she has.