Realization. but i think its too late now.

morning! haha. i'm so sorry for the very bad sounded post earlier haha. i know i'm a lil bit too childish. but we'll just go on anyway. keep calm and carry on? no keep calm n jingle all the way! haha. its Christmas baby!

well i actually have lots to expect this Christmas  all the wishes but it seems to be a bye2 then. i'm just being too sad and ashamed with myself. i know that being here is hard and i'm not a prodigy. i know i should had tried my best but it seems to be i didn't. didn't i? i thought i did. and i don't deserve that kind of result. but now that i think again n again. the mistake that i did was just that i failed at the finish line. i tried so hard but i fell down at the end. i shouldn't. i'd been doing greatly all the way but i didn't do my best in my final exam which carry most of the marks. no matter how many full marks i get for my test every week, they just carry about 10%? so there where lies my mistake. grave mistake ever. why didn't i realize it. budak lain yang escape n just copy time lab n test get 4 flat, while i now lay down like a rock have nothing to say. that's why they say, that we have to be tricky. now i'm just a bunch of stupid person in this sea of 4 flatters. i'm so dead meat. but whatever it is, i'll keep on trying. but the main highlight here is that, you can just escape and don't even answer anything in test or lab but  do great in final exams, you'll simply get above 3. i'm not kidding. the other get it. i wasted my blood and worries for nothing really. 

but its Christmas and we have to be happy and joy. but i'm not coming back home this year. well after seeing the result, i know i'm not worthy to get special treats from my parents anymore. i suddenly realize that id come through the phase in life that as a child, i can't ask too much anymore. mom and dad always treat me good enough as i get some good achievement. i'm happy to see them happy but now i know i'd turn them down. although they said that they're okay. they said that they aren't angry. but sad for me. i nearly cried to death after telling them about my result. why? i never get that kind of result. and i can't believe it too. i failed for the first time in my life. now i know how depressing it is to fail. and there is no turning back. i never know how hard it is to endure this failure. how did they get to be so damn fine? they must be very tough. but i know that i should be like this forever. there's no point of telling that i deserve better. actions are important. and i'll start now. ermm not now really. haha.

but we can't just stop from making mistake right. i just don't want to be exhausted for nothing. for the happiness and for other. i'm not going to join any activities of the uni anymore for im not in it in the first place. why would we, the asasian doing more jobs which do not even give us credits? i know we just want to have fun and help our seniors. but, i think i'm just tired. i don't care now. the others are geniuses that will never help me in studies. keep on telling don't know but get 4 flat. so they can just join whatever thing they find fit. why am i so fool that i just realize it now? im the kind of person who have to struggle for everything. but why did i forgot about that and keep on going with these great people? i wonder. maybe being here did changed me. changed me into a stupid boasting boy? maybe i am. and that im not happy with. to be honest now whenever i go around, i don't feel any shines anymore. i lost my confident. and it is hard to get it back. and i go back to the choices that id mad in my life. i think i'd made the wrong choices. i'm not that strong to go down this path anyway. 

but life must go on and no matter what it is i'll survive. but the most extreme problem that i'll be facing after this is my people' opinion on me. they're just being too much of a rumourmonger. i never like that quality of my people. and now i'm having my worst nightmare ever about them. but forget everything for now and have a great day. promise me you'll be happy. Merry Christmas!