The Story so far

so. whats the story so far? well if it was for me, it's not going so good. i'm filled with all other things, which mostly don't even my part to do. do i sound so irresponsible? maybe. i think so too. but i guess no one will ever really care, or understand. everyone has their life to go through. even if they are your own siblings. they don't go and pay for your house rent till you get old and die. we'll do it ourselves. and i'd been thinking. i'd been extremely idle. i'd been putting the blames. but to whom should i throw it? i'm throwing them to myself. i shouldn't be blaming others for giving be a hard, full with pressure and dramatic childhood or my teen years. or do i have to? i just don't know. the only thing that i know i'm good at is just to ignore and left the hole untreated. which i thought will heals itself when the time comes. but when lots of things came and never stop coming. the hole become bigger without me realizing it. heartaches. so unbearable.

i know i shouldn't be like this. am i whining? yes. maybe not. i'm scared. of everything. people always said that maybe this is fate. given by God the creator himself. or did he gave me some choices. which i'd mistakenly taken? or was it because i wasn't being so faithful to Him? i'm lose in the path that i'd chose, myself. i'm scared. i know my dad has never been so fond of me. tho im being the only son in this so-happy-looking family. but since i was young. i always realize that. he never likes me. nuff said. but i always tried my best to get his attention. which i did get. once. but then, there it goes again. im just becoming nothing to him. where should i put the blame? but everything wouldn't matter for me now. because now i know who i am to him. and he is to me. so, i will never ask about this again. if he never actually wants me being beside him, i will not even try to seek for it. if my existance itself is a torn in the eyes to him, i can just go. if that will make him happy and healthy. i'm sorry dad. i'd done my very best to cheer and make you happy. but all those effort is useless just because im me. and i know that. so now, i'll just do my part, and the rest to the other. to whom you love the most. that makes you happy.